A Gorgeous, Gutting Trainwreck: Thoughts on If He Had Been With Me

 YA Romance at Its Most Heart-Wrenching: If He Had Been With Me

Fall in Love (and Cry)

Author: Laura Nowlin

Genre: Contemporary, YA, Romance, Coming of Age

Page Count: 397 pages

Spice Level: 🌶️ 

Trigger warnings:

• Graphic: None
• Moderate: Heartbreak, Grief, Depression, Anxiety, Loss
• Limited: Romantic Tension, Natural Ups and Downs, Interpersonal Conflict

Tropes: Childhood lovers, Best-friend to lovers, High school romance, Misconnection, Coming of age, Tragedy, Slow-burn

Pace: Moderate

Shares the romantic story of Autumn and Finn. They have grown up together but have never looked into their feelings for each other. The missed opportunities and the questions haunt them throughout high school. The bittersweet romance story of best friends who deal with heartbreak all the way. 

I really enjoyed this book, and I still think about it. Now, this book was the perfect ya romance that I am often looking for. I did not want the story to end at all cause it was so consuming. 

The writing of this book was more focused on provoking the reader to feel than anything else. I feel like there was a balance between having too of details and too many details. The writing used in this novel was character-driven. The characters determined more of the story's direction and the direction the writing took. Also, it seemed as though the writing was more emotional, making it more intimate than other books I have read. It also feels like it was similar to other emotional ya romance books I have read. 

Autumn was the main FC in this book, who was also the narrator of the book. She really showcased the emotional turmoil that romance can evoke out of a person. Her character did make the story flow as she was the perfect narrator of this book. Finny was the love interest of Autumn, and his character was amazing. He was a good character for Autumn to fall in love with cause he was so caring and vulnerable. I wish Finny were also a narrator in this story, but I do understand why he was not after reading this book. 

I feel the pace of this book was perfect for the intentions of the book. I feel like it did not rush through all the emotional parts of the book. It felt as though the book knew when it needed to take time for readers to fully engage with the emotions in the story. I did like how the pace was a mixture of slow and fast at certain parts of the story. However, I did wish the book had not rushed the ending, because it felt like it was quickly said. 

I feel like there was a plot, but not in the typical plot-driven feel. The plot did help guide the direction of the story but it was not the major aspect of the book. The plot was more about Autumn and Finn's love for each other and how that love never got to be said.

SPOILERS ARE COMING BELOW!!

I cannot believe the ending and what happened because it is something I still think about. I was surprised by Finn's death as it was vague and open-ended ended which was something I did not enjoy. It was not super clear how he died since it is said more ambiguously. So he dies from getting into a car crash, but the thing is that the crash doesn't instantly cause his death. It was more so of the impact the crash had on the environment. From my understanding, the crash had caused a power line to fall, and it was raining, which created a perfect storm. He had walked away from the crash fine until he put his hand on the ground, which the downed power line, mixed with rain, caused him to die from electrocution. This was so confusing because it was never clear how this happened or even why this was the cause of his death. I still think about this because I was gasping when I read this ending, even though it was super vague and unclear. 

" I love him in a way I cannot define, as if my love were an organ within my body that I could not live without yet could not pick out of an anatomy book." (24% into Kindle version)

"My love for Finny is buried like a stillborn child; it is just as cherished and just as real, but nothing will ever come of it. I imagine it wrapped up in lace, tucked away in a quiet corner of my heart. It will stay there for the rest of my life, and when I die, it will die with me." (48% into Kindle version)

"Death happens to him more suddenly than I can describe to you or even care to imagine." (98% into Kindle version)

This book was an amazing but tragic read. I felt everything the characters felt in this book. It was extremely relatable, especially when it comes to Autumn. I feel like this book was an amazing book for teens and even new adults to read/enjoy. One thing I did wish was that the ending was more direct than being open ended because it did leave too much up to the reader. 

My rating for this tragic book is 💫💫💫💫💫 (5/5 stars)